Had one of those panic moments the first month home alone with my little man when Tanner had to return to work. Just me and him, a majority of the day, with what seemed like nothing to do. It was a bit overwhelming for me. I know it's ridiculous but I felt somewhat trapped. I looked forward to taking out the trash because it gave me a reason to get out.
Change has always been something I struggle with. I have felt guilty for not always wanting to "stay at home." I enjoyed going to work each day and was fortunate enough to find a great job doing what I like. Nothing felt more rewarding than a productive day at work. My success was measurable. Being able to contribute to our finances made me feel validated. I was comfortable with this way of life.
When he came, I was still set on not giving up my career. We were gonna make it work. When we started to look at the options and make a plan for me to continue working, something was off. This plan wasn't right for us.
After many prayers and consideration, we decided that I would not be returning to a traditional job. It felt important that I stay at home with Atticus. Once the decision was made, I thought for sure I'd receive a definite confirmation this was right. That everything would just fall into place and be well. When nothing I expected came, I started to second guess it. Thoughts of all the things I was giving up. The last days at work were hard. Shouldn't God be giving me a resounding thumbs up on our decision?
When I asked Tanner what scripture he would choose if an investigator had questions about faith, he read from Alma 32: "there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe. Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay."
Deep down it felt like the right decision. But just like the people in this scripture, I was waiting for a sign to know it was right. I really wanted a big moment of confirmation on this.
Alma continued, "faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true...if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words."
This scripture spoke very gently to my heart. As we have the desire to believe, it will work in us. The other day a dear friend talked to me about following through on commitments, even when it may be hard. The principle of signs come through those who believe, not the other way around. I want to believe, now I need to use that desire to trust in his plan for me. As I continue with this transition, I am happy to have this chance to be at home with Atticus. To watch him learn and to grow. My days no longer will consist of emails and meetings, but of story time and snuggles.
In all things we must choose to have faith. Commit to moving forward and trusting in the Lord and his plan for us. Onward and upwards.
