Soren Kit - a birth story

This pregnancy rocked me physically and mentally in ways I had never experienced. Many days felt like I couldn't possibly keep going. Words don't adequately describe how it was for me but 2022 felt very dark. It was such a looooong 9 months. So glad that it does actually end eventually. From the very beginning I felt like I needed to be ready "early." Having had 2 late births previously (one of which was 2 weeks overdue) I didn't want to get my hopes up on that feeling. Regardless, since I was due September 14, I was pretty confident he would come sometime within the month of
September.

Around 37 weeks labor signs were in full swing. Many times over the course of the next two weeks contractions would pick up enough that I'd start to time them. Then of course they'd stall and then nothing for a day or two. Just over and over. Every night I'd go to bed wondering if this was the night. I had manifested that a birthday of 9/9/22 would be lovely and gave him full permission to come then. Jokes on me. He didn't come then.

September 11 - I felt awful. Felt defeated emotionally and physically as I had to prep myself that he would not be arriving early and that I was potentially looking at another 2 weeks left. I took a picture that night of the boys reading books and felt a lot of love for my little family. My heart and mind said "okay Kristyn, relax and just soak in this time with the 4 of you. The end is in sight so stop freaking out." 

Fast forward to 4 am the very next day (September 12, just 2 days before my "due date"). Typical early AM pregnant bathroom break and to my surprise most of my mucous plug came out. Woo! Kept having back labor enough that I finally got up at around 5:30 am and got out of bed. When I stood up there wasn't a gush but also not a trickle. All I know it was enough to soak me and the carpet. Definitely not pee. IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING?! Woke Tanner up to let him know and then started to prep last minute things. Planned on laboring at home as long as possible but knew labor for a 3rd time could go quickly. We were at least a 25 minute drive to the hospital plus getting the boys off to school. Ate some breakfast and waited for the boys to wake up. There was enough breaks in-between contractions that we decided we could take the kids to school and drop their belongings off at my sisters. While dropping the kids off and had a few intense contractions in the car. 

Called the midwife when we got back and she was good with me laboring at home but would check-in around noon to see how things were going should I not be at the hospital by then. The contractions kept coming. Turned on some Modern Family, kept moving around while watching and proceeded to time them for the next hour. Started to feel tired so I sat down for a couple of them and then ended up falling asleep. When I woke up they had stalled. Dang it. Blamed myself for it since I didn't stay moving. By this point we ate some lunch and I was starting to feel pretty frustrated it wasn't picking up more. Had Tanner take a nap since I was realizing this was going to be a longer day after all. The midwife called to check in around 1 pm and offer some extra tips to get things to progress. If not she wanted me to come to the hospital to have baby checked that evening around 5 pm (which would be about 12 hours into labor). I was dreading that as I knew they'd probably want to augment labor (with medicine which I prefer to avoid).  Started to feel more stressed about "running out of time" for things to progress on their own. The next couple hours I did my best to keep moving. Walked on the treadmill, walked around the neighborhood, rocked on the birthing ball...did all the things. The consistent contractions from the morning seemed to disappear. Started to feel sorry for myself  about how "slow" it was going. By 4 pm decided we should head to the hospital to check baby. On the drive, my body seemed to relax and contractions started picking up somewhat.

By 4:30 pm we were checked into our room. My nurse checked and discovered my water had NOT broken. Whaaat??!! Was I taking crazy pills? There was no way I wasn't in labor based how strong the contractions were and I confidently can say what leaked that morning was not pee. Apparently, the nurse let me know I probably had a something called a "high leak" (something along the lines of where it breaks higher up but then gets plugged up by baby) but I think she was just trying to make me feel better. Regardless of that update, I was dilated at a 4 & 1/2 so they officially admitted me. After advising with the midwife, she recommended going ahead and breaking my water and then we would go from there (though she was confident things would pick up with us doing that). So at 5:30 pm she broke my water and was dilated to a 5.

From there. Things. Picked. Up. 

No need for anything additional. My body took over INTENSELY. Recently I read a poem talking about the truth of labor and there was a line that said, "You'll float above your body and simultaneously be trapped in it with an intensity you've never tasted." That perfectly describes the next 2 plus hours for me. Then I felt an overwhelming surge of fear that I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted it to stop. That's always a sign to me I was in transition (which means I should know baby is close) but when I'm in the depths of it I just don't think rationally. Tried to figure out what my body was telling me and decided I needed to use the restroom. With the help of Tanner, the minute I sat down realized...it was time to push. The midwife heard me and quickly started prepping to get things ready. I remember my midwife asked if I could make it back to the bed. A contraction came on and I think I yelled, "NOPE!" So she started to move things to deliver in the bathroom. Somehow (thankfully) in the break I was able to make it back to the bed.

Got on my hands and knees and it was time. There wasn't a question of checking to see my progression just trust that I knew what I was feeling and that my body was ready. And it was. In just a short 10 minutes (though I swear it felt much longer), he was out! Went straight to my arms (this was the first time I got that as my two previous births had complications and babies needed to be checked quickly). There is nothing better than the complete relief that comes when your baby is finally in your arms. Pure happiness.

We had gone back and forth between a handful of names the entire pregnancy but it wasn't until I was in labor that I called him by a name. Having a name to call him helped me make it through transition and delivery. Sitting there holding him, I knew what his name should be (what I had been calling him in my mind through it all).

Soren Kit Smedley. 

Born at 7:56 pm.

Monday, September 12.

9 lbs & 20 in.

So incredibly grateful to have such a supportive husband. He was there every step of the way (as he was with each of my labor's). I truly couldn't have done it without him. When I think back on watching him patiently waiting for his turn to hold Soren, I feel so much love for him. The moment he finally held him for the first time...good heavens I didn't think my heart could burst anymore and yet it did.

Love my BOYS.

shark bite - ooh ah ah

 What an uneventful - eventful pandemic year. So much was happening in the world and yet in our home it felt like things came to a halt. We spent a lot of the year at home. Though before I knew it, we had a 2 year old. How? HOW?! 

Boy is Finn a hoot and a half. He likes to stretch my patience and then immediately make my heart just melt. He doesn't actually say much with words, but this boy can tell you what he wants. He's a climber and it's not uncommon to find him perched in the pantry opening a snack or up in the window sill digging into the candy jar. Likes to sing 'itsy bitsy spider' or the 'bumblebee song' until he doesn't. He will let you know. Pickiest eater on the face of this planet. Loves kitties and doggies. Has to point ones out whenever we are out and about. Will put his green (a blanket) over his head and pretend to be ghost. A catch phrase of "iish deesh" and "jin" (with fists clenched) are on repeat at our house. My guess is as good as yours but we've interpreted it to mean something along the lines of "it's this" and "agreement." Obsessed with nano bugs that we are constantly replacing batteries because he leaves them running all day. 

In living up to what his name suggests, we celebrated with sharks. Constantly making a chomping noise to signify a shark bite, especially to strangers. We love our Finn le dinn, le squin. 

pines, sand, and a creaky beach house

Oregon was seriously THE highlight of 2020. Lot's of cancelled things but gratefully we were still able to spend a week with two of my sisters (and their families) on the Oregon coast. Much needed for the soul. The endless pines, the cooler temperatures, and fresh air. 

For days we just got to be outside and do whatever as a family. Yes we've been together nearly 24/7 since mid-March but something about this time together felt very different, in the best way possible.

Before making it to the coast, we took a little detour to drive around Mount Hood and explore the area nearby. Enjoyed our time seeing the dahlia farms, watching people ski down at the Timberline Lodge, quick picture at Trillium Lake (since it was insanely packed), an afternoon hike to Tamanawas Falls, and ending the night with dinner at The Gorge White House as the sunset. 

Besides staying in a house literally right next to the beach with a view of Twin Rocks, we got to visit many of the beaches in the area. Hug Point, Cannon Beach (Haystock Rock of course), Oceanside, Tunnel Beach, and Short Sands to name a few. By far my favorite was being able to explore the starfish caves/tide pools at Cape Meares. The sharp contrast of the tree covered cliff meeting the ocean gave such a lovely view. Seeing the cave covered in hundreds of sea stars (one of which we found unattached and bigger than our heads).

Despite going to bed late each night, I found so much peace on my early morning beach runs. One of the mornings all 4 of us went down and enjoyed the fogging views. The kids were in heaven in the water and sand.

It seemed only natural to have a tie dye night, even though a certain someone (Tanner) was a dye hog.

The evening of our last day, I hope to never forget jumping waves with Tanner and a few of my nephews while I looked back to find our boys digging in the sand. A very happy moment. Thanks Oregon. Can't wait to go back.

the most wild first birthday

There have been a number of "bummer" feelings the past few months of things that had to be canceled due to the current pandemic. The day I made invites for Finn's first birthday was the day we were instructed to not get in groups of more than 10. Humph.

Will he remember anything? Of course not. In fact, he might even think it's cool his first birthday fell in the middle of a pandemic. Still made me sad to not get to celebrate him like I had been planning for quite some time.

Virtual party looks like many family members watching the cake smash via zoom.









This little bean has added sooo much to our family and I'm in awe how quickly his first year passed. I'm still wondering who is Finn. Some days I look at him and still don't quite know who he is. He's a quiet one. Rarely gives you any sort of reaction (unlike his older brother). When he does smile, his grin will melt your face off. Gap tooth and all. Still hates sleeping and naps and food. Ironically likes to hold toys with his mouth. Climbs on anything and everything. Currently bathroom doors need to stay closed or he always finds himself playing with the toilet water. Two things that make him light up: Atticus and Tanner. Of course that means his first word was "dada." I do love hearing him say "wow" or "woah" and occasionally "uh-oh." One of my favorite parts of the day are when he rests his head on my shoulder right before I lay him down for bed.



Nicknames to name a few:
Finners
Finny
Finny la dinny
Muffin
Cinnafinn
Finnees
Finny finch
Finn le dinn
Finale

"donut" grow up

He is FOUR. There are many moments where I stop and look at him and my mind can't process that he is no longer this little baby but a full on kid. I would definitely say his third year of life stretched me in more ways than one. Feel like I have a better understanding on who I need to be to be his mom and what he needs for me to be that. There is a reason he was sent to us and I'm forever grateful for what he adds to my life and our family.

Atti has always been a laid back, chill kid. This year he has grown leaps and bounds. Starting pre-school, adjusting to a little brother, getting potty trained, working on his difficulties in speech, almost being able to write his own name, feeling emotions passionately (and how to navigate them), riding the 40" rides at Disneyland, and making others laugh with his little quirks. On the more recent end, we've seen moments where new things make him nervous. Generally speaking he has never been one to be afraid but every now and again he gets panicked when entering social situations with larger groups of people. He doesn't like to be alone and a fear of monsters has surfaced. Love hearing him at the park ask others, "wanna be my friend and play together?" He still hums when he eats.

Some Atti-isms:

• "Mine sleep good my new nap"
• "Two five pounds"
• "What you said?"
• "Don't see me"
• "People don't say those things"
• "Please can we have a movie night tonight"
• "We're in love together"
• "We've got a lot of work to do"
• "Boppas and boppas house" (Although recently he has actually started pronouncing Grandma and Boppa)
• "Fry-ter-day" (aka Friday)
• "Mama, I'm just teasin' you"
• "That's NOT really super nice"
• "Oh mine dosh"
• "Maybe we can get hamburders?"

Favorites include:

• Lala blanket (I don't think we can ever get rid of it)
• Hamburgers and donuts and popcorn
• Dressing up in costumes
• His cousins "Bree-na" and "Tor-ah"
• Coloring
• His Dad
• Having dance parties
• Halloween
• Hand me down Star Wars shirt
• Staying at hotels

Oh Atti smash. I love that cannonball of a kid. 

But for reals, "donut" grow up too quickly.

sades

Today is just plain hard. I've been dreading this for sometime now and didn't comprehend how much it would truly hurt. My heart is aching knowing she won't be there when I come. Spending her last evening with my parents laying in the grass brought me back to when she joined our family. I loved taking naps in the backyard when she was a little puppy. I smile thinking about those first nights she would just howl in her dog run all night. Finally mom caved and we brought her inside to sleep and I'd sleep right by her kennel. My family has been texting back and forth different memories of her and I can't help but feel full of joy for what she gave my life. She was in it more than she wasn't and so this especially stings thinking she's gone.

Her white dipped tail.
She'd rooo and stretch her front paws when Dad would come home.
She hated big men.
Dad could swing her around on her chew rope.
How'd she would gently rest her head on your leg, look up at you and sigh.
When someone was on the tramp and she'd put her front paws up on the bar.
Barking at her squeaky hamburger as a puppy.
The "green thing" (her favorite chew toy that was downright disgusting and nobody liked touching it).
Finding tufts of her fur.
When you'd play tug of war and she kept inching closer and closer as she readjusted her bite.
My brother driving her crazy with a laser light.
Biting the sprinkler head and just got soaked.
When she was scared out on a walk she would literally walk slanted, scraping her nails as she went.
Slipping out under the fence and she'd be waiting on the front porch for us to come home.
The little click clack of her nails on our kitchen floor.
How she'd wake you up in the morning by getting real close to your face, breathing her doggie breath, and put her paw up on the bed.
Biting the wheels of the lawn mower.
How matted her hair got behind her ears.
Her brown eyes.
She knew the people that would sneak her food from the table.
Soggy tennis ball after playing fetch at Fox Hills.
She'd freak out if you hid your hands in your jacket sleeves and softly bit them until you pulled them out.
How much she loved eating corn husks.
She loved running out in the fresh snow and would always come back with a little chunk on her nose.
How she made me feel loved. Every time I'd come home.


I love and miss you Sadie girl. It will get better, but for now I ache.

Sadie

2003 - 2019

choosing a name: round two

Both Tanner and I felt like it was a boy from pretty early on, though Atticus insisted it was a baby sister about 98% of the time anyone asked. The girl name was pretty certain but for some reason we struggled with boy names. It wasn't that we couldn't find a name we liked but that we had so many good options (we narrowed it down to five top names each with a first and middle).  It was just a matter of which one. I probably looked at boy name lists daily during the last few months.

Once he arrived, we spent the days in the hospital weighing the pros and cons and over analyzing every aspect of each name. I was determined to decide before Atticus was brought to meet him a few hours after he was born. Yeah, that didn't happen. Why couldn't we commit? Instead we just kept calling him Atti #2. Sunday morning, just a couple hours before we were discharged, we narrowed it down to a top two which ironically were ones we had considered for Atticus. Our indecision led us to putting both names in a hat and drawing randomly. Well the one Tanner drew, though I loved it, didn't feel right. So we went with the one we didn't draw.

I can't imagine him as anything else. My little Finn.

As we announced the name to our anxiously awaiting family and friends, it was fun to hear the responses/references to his name.

The boy from Adventure Time.
FN-2187 from Star Wars
Huckleberry Finn.
Slang for $5 in the 1920's.
Bad guy on Return from Snow River.
Mad Eye Moody.

Know of any others?

Finn Alistair: Birth Story

I struggle to accurately put into words my experience of the past nine months. This pregnancy has been one of the most difficult things I've had to endure both physically and mentally. So much of it was spent desperately begging for relief. I dreaded the very thought of continuing on. The struggles that were this pregnancy were never taken away. However as I now look back I see more clearly those times I was divinely blessed and carried through each day. The end result was absolutely worth it. Like the mother of all knew, there was no other way.

So much goes through your heart and mind as you prepare yourself for labor and delivery. Often I would think back to the birth of our Atticus. Never have I felt more empowered as a woman than that day. I knew I wanted that experience again. Labor is a beautifully hard thing but one of the most spiritually and physically rewarding things I can possibly think of experiencing in this life. This time around I knew better what to expect with labor, delivery, & recovery. I was again excited and ready for it. It was important to me for things to progress naturally and though it took longer than anticipated, things worked out just how they should. It really is nothing short of amazing what our bodies (and minds) are capable of when bringing a life into this world.

--------------------

The whole pregnancy I felt certain we would have this baby in March (must have been wishful thinking). As I was able to witness my sister's birth of her fourth child (who was due exactly one week ahead of me), I was excited and anxious my little one would arrive soon after. Just a week later (3 days before my due date) contractions kicked in and were coming 5-6 minutes apart consistently for a few hours that evening. Called my mom around 10 pm to give her the heads up and make plans for Atticus. Though they were strong, I was able to talk through them. We decided to rest hoping in a few hours it would be time to head to the hospital. Woke up the next morning realizing it was false labor. The rest of the weekend we stayed on baby watch only to have things die down. Very discouraging at the time.

My due date (April 1st) came and went with still no sign of baby. My patience was again tested. As I approached two weeks overdue, my midwife decided it was time to schedule an induction just in case I didn't go into labor on my own (they weren't going to let me go past 42 weeks). An induction was set for Friday, April 12 (which felt good since my favorite number is 4 and Tanner's is 12). Anyways, I had to be checked on my progress for the first time and was disappointed to learn I was only barely 1 cm dilated and maybe 40% effaced. Because of this I would need to check into the hospital the night before my induction to soften the cervix. Thursday was fairly calm waiting for the call from labor and delivery when we could head to the hospital (it was anticipated the call would come around 5-6 pm). At 6:30 pm and no word, Tanner gave L&D a call and to our frustration we apparently were not on the schedule at all (due to a miscommunication from the midwife). Aaarggh. After some back and forth with L&D and our midwife, they finally told us we would need to call back at 9 pm to see if a room was available (it turned out to be a very busy night for them). We brought Atticus to my parents and put him to bed and waited. At 9 pm they told us still no rooms available and to call back at 11 pm. Now I was really starting to feel anxious. We both tried to get some rest because the evening was looking later and later. Called again at 11 pm and still nothing. The new time to call was midnight. Finally at 12:20 am, a room was available. Time to head to the hospital.

After checking in and getting all set up, the midwife came to discuss my options and how best to move forward. I could either have a foley bulb induction (basically a catheter that is placed inside the cervix, as it inflates it puts pressure on the cervix to open) and after around 10-12 hours it should get me to about 4 cm but it wouldn't start labor. They would then need to start me on pitocin. Option two, I could take a pill orally (cylotec) every three hours that should soften the cervix to 3 cm or so after around 10 hours. The positive side was that it could help get labor started. She checked me again before we made a decision and I had progressed to 2 cm and 50% effaced. We decided to try the cylotec at a 1/4 dose and would see how my body reacted and then go from there. At 2:20 am we finally got things started. Mentally I prepared myself for a long night and morning hoping by noon my cervix would be favorable enough to start the induction via pitocin. Within maybe 10 minutes of taking the teeniest pill, contractions kicked in. Tried to sleep but when I timed them I realized they were coming about 3-5 minutes apart and with enough intensity I had to focus through them. I couldn't believe it, was labor actually going on its own? Just after 5 am, my nurse came in to check me and I was at 3 cm and 80% effaced. Apparently all my body needed was a little kick start and we were off. No need for more cylotec or even pitocin. What a relief to labor on my own!

Contractions came in strong and consistent. I was so excited to be laboring without medical intervention. To move around freely they used a bluetooth monitor (to adhere it to my belly they had to sand down my skin, yes it's exactly what you imagine sanding skin would feel like. Ouch!). To manage contractions and help get baby into place we switched positions every half hour or so. There was such a calmness to the room, with each break I was able to rest and prep for the next contraction. It really helped keep me at ease since to allow labor to continue to progress on its own timing. By 8 am (about 5.5 hours into labor) I was 4 cm and 100% effaced.

The next few hours were nothing short of intense. Taking one contraction at a time. With Tanner as my main support I knew I could do it. He says he didn't do anything but I completely disagree. Sweetheart you were and are everything to me. Not only did I have the best midwife coaching me the entire time I was also blessed with not just one but two nurses (one was a student) providing counter pressure and lots of encouragement. Things continued to progress with no issues. As I dilated to 7 cm the midwife broke my water to check for meconium (when you are as overdue as I was, it was highly possible). It was present, so the NICU respiratory nurses were notified to be there for the birth.

The end was near (though I didn't know at the time things were almost done) my hands started to go tingly and then they went numb. I was hyperventilating and with the help of a little oxygen it was just enough for me to push this baby out. My body was exhausted and I felt so discouraged with myself even though things had progressed fairly quickly. I felt as if I couldn't go on. I kept asking Tanner if I was close to pushing and suddenly I just did. I couldn't stop myself. A sensation I didn't experience the first time around. My body just took over and the energy in the room shifted. In less than 10 minutes and giving everything I had into 3 pushes, baby arrived at 11:40 am! Tanner emotionally announced, "it's a BOY"! He was immediately whisked away and panic set in as no sounds were made. I kept asking if he was alright and then within 30 seconds (I swear it felt longer than that) I heard his voice. Thankfully there were no issues at all. As I was brought my sweet little boy, all the pain and sorrow of the past 9 months (though not forgotten) were overwhelmingly worth it. He was the reason for it all and I would do it a thousand times over for him. The rest of the room faded away as I held him close. That blessed time where our souls connected and time seemed to stop. This is what true happiness feels like. I am forever grateful to have this blessing twice in my life.

what are you having?

The most frequently asked question during this pregnancy (and my first), "What are you having?" I'd say about 98% of the time people are shocked we aren't finding out. It makes me smile. It's as if people have always been able to find out and never had to wait until baby arrived. The most typical response is, "oh I could never do that, I'm a planner." Ha! Jokes on you. When has parenthood ever allowed a person to plan things out? If you know me, this is coming from someone who is very much a "planner." From the minute we even started talking about having kids, things never went according to plan. I'm nearly 3.5 years deep into this and still can't tell you how many things happen far different than I had anticipated.

Has it been easy. No way. I find myself wanting to pull out the DVD of the ultrasound frequently. Not a moment goes by that I don't wonder what this little baby is. At the end of the day, this is what we chose and I love it. When I stop to think about "why," many reasons come to mind...

• Does it really matter if we find out at 20 weeks or wait until 40? It doesn't really change anything, baby will still them.
• It drives people nuts, even strangers.
• We typically like more gender neutral things (and that doesn't mean it has to be all gray).
• Great lesson on patience. Hello life in general but especially with a kid.
• Curbs excessive spending. I've found babies need far less than the world tells you. Besides many hours of nursing ahead to do my online shopping after baby is here.
• It's fun to day dream each day. Gives me motivation daily to make it through all the aches/pains/nausea etc.
• Delayed gratification (think being a kid waiting for Christmas morning good, and then times that by 1000%).
• Coming up with both boy and girl names and wondering what we ultimately will pick.
• Add's just that much more motivation to make it through labor.
• Enjoyed seeing individual family members reactions as they met Atticus for the first time at the hospital.
• The ULTIMATE GENDER REVEAL.

Is it for everyone? I suppose not. But I will say it's made both pregnancies extra special for us.

(This is not to say finding out is bad or wrong. Do what is best for you. There are of course pro's and con's to both sides.)

kind stranger

Sometimes do you just get caught up in your life that you don't seem to notice anyone else around? For instance, when I'm at the store my attention is often limited to my grocery list and Atticus (not much else). An experience a few weekends ago has left a good reminder to me.

We were coming back from running a few Saturday errands when A exclaimed he needed to go potty. Only about 10 minutes away from home, we decided to not risk an accident and stop by a grocery store to take him. While out that morning, A was proving a little more difficult than usual even with both Tanner and I there. Anyways, we pulled him out of the car seat and something set him off (#toddler). He was screaming and so I squatted down to his level to figure out what the problem was. A stranger walking by says to him in passing, "are you going to the store to get some candy?" Instantly, he settles down and yells, "ya!" The situation was calmed. We chatted with this gentleman as we all walked into the store and then went our separate ways. I sincerely appreciated this kind gentleman observing my frustrations and a grumpy little boy. With nothing more than kind words it calmed everyone down. That was it. Just a stranger noticing something around him and it worked.

Well, we were on our way out as the daughter of the above man ran up to us and handed A a box of ice cream sandwiches. Not only did the man deescalate the situation he went an extra step and got a little treat for A. Chances are we will never cross paths again, but what an impression he left on my mind and hopefully A's.

Imagine what our world would be like if we all took the time to be more aware of those around us (saying hello, giving a compliment, buying a treat for a 3 year old). So many good people in the world.

Thank you kind stranger.

something good, for something better

So many feelings. I'm excited, terrified, blessed, anxious, grateful (and a handful more of every feeling possible) for another little one to join our family. But the biggest feeling yet that I can't seem to shake has been one of what I'm going to lose in a few short months. Driving back from the grocery store, I peeked in the rear view mirror to see a little guy in shades belting out to the song "Sunflower." My heart is bursting for him. It's a happy moment. Then the emotions roll in and the feeling quickly fades. One-on-one time with him will never happen again (at least not like it has been). For the past 3+ years and nearly 5 days a week it's just him and I. And I love it. Here I am filled with a sense of loss on what I won't get with him anymore. #pregnancyhormones

It's crazy I know but how could there possibly be any more room in my heart when it has already been filled by two of the most amazing boys here on earth? It's hard to see anything past what I'm feeling in these moments. Please tell me I'm not the only one?

For now I'm just going to soak in these moments...just my Atti and I.

atti turns threee

What?! How do I have a THREE year old?! I still remember the day he was born. That first night in the hospital my heart just felt like it was going to explode. This little being was here to be with me forever. I found myself thinking about him and what his life would look like as he grew older.

Here we are with a social, energetic, little boy with the most tender of hearts. The transition into the new normal of motherhood was (and still can be) tricky. And yet everyday I find myself devoted to the care and love of this boy. He adds so much to my life and to our family. This world would be sad place without my little Atti smash in it.

At this stage in life: loves to ride his balance bike. Asks for donuts frequently. Not a day goes by without him saying, "I luff you mommy" followed by little puckered lips waiting for a kiss. His speech has greatly improved but still has trouble with articulation. Legos are his go-to toy. Good at negotiating everything. Puts socks on his hands for some weird reason. Loves playing in the bath but fights getting his hair washed every time (Tanner finally figured out a trick of setting a timer and when it goes off he knows its time for a scrub and for some reason that makes it okay). Prefers to "do it his self" when getting dressed. Is constantly singing or humming a tune. Gives the best hugs this side of the Mississippi. Everyone needs an Atticus in their life.

A few favorite Atti words/sayings:
"doovies" (tv/movies)
"poptorn" (popcorn)
"men" (soccer/Real Salt Lake)
"lala" (pumpkin blanket)
"pomise" (promise)
"boppa" (grandpa or grandma)
"mine tanner" (Dad)
"pint milt" (strawberry milk)
"pomise" (promise)